Starting over

We knew that when we came back, we’d be starting from scratch. Knew it, accepted it, embraced it. Part of the call, part of the “all in,” is stepping out in faith to shed what you no longer need, leaving your hands open for the new  that will become part of your necessary.

So we sold it all. Beds, dishes, books, towels. We sold it or gave it away and set off thinking, “In two or three years, maybe I’ll need another set of mixing bowls, but not now.”

But as you know, two or three years was not the reality and while I sit here today truly not needing mixing bowls because I am a guest in my in-law’s home …

I want mixing bowls.

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I want my own Christmas decorations, a loud breakfast with all of my people laughing and passing hot scones around the table, a cup to set my toothbrush in. I want Babita’s school uniform hanging to dry in my laundry room, my Mamaw’s voice on the phone, and the sound of my boys playing Legos in their room.

I don’t regret the planning, the selling, or the giving away. I’m not pining for my couch, my old home, or my mixer. That’s all been absorbed as a cost–much higher than anticipated– and set free.

What I long for now is the settling, the space, the time to lick my wounds. Slipping down in the dark morning, brewing a cup of coffee, turning on the tree lights, and being still. Staring off into the trees and asking God all the “Why?” I have stored up, knowing He will hold me through it.

Yesterday, we stood in a rental house, a space empty except for the necessities: a stove, a fridge, a roof. We stood in the middle of a room wiped clean of the evidence of life: bare walls, naked floors, neutral walls. Looking around I realized, this is us. We have no stuff. We have no things. All we have here, now, is each other, the clothes on our backs, and the handful of tagalong items that have been carried with us. When we do move into a space of our own, we will come as we are. We will have to purchase the blankets we use as beds, and sit on hard floors for leisure and meal times. We will need glasses, spoons, pans.

But we will have begun. We will have stepped toward solid ground. We will be starting over.

Again.

 

3 thoughts on “Starting over

  1. Have you decided where you will live? Southwest Missouri is a really, really good choice. 😉 Y’all are in my prayers throughout the day and night! (((hugs)))

  2. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.
    The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”
    That’s the verse that lept into my mind as I finished reading your post.
    I suppose the trials of Job feel not too far removed, at this particular moment in time.
    May I never be counted to be just like one of his friends.
    May I always be willing, though, to at least sit with you in the ashes, and have the wisdom to keep silent, while you work your way through your “Why?”
    even if you never get your “Why?” answered.
    Joy WILL come again.
    New mercies WILL appear, every morning.
    You’ve got the location located!
    The furnishings will follow.
    Friendships and love endure.

  3. We’re still praying for you guys. May God give you time and space to find rest in Him, and may His peace and joy carry you through the rest. The Aaronic Blessing comes to mind: The Lord bless you, and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His countenance toward you and give you peace.

    ~Luke

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