Perfectly imperfect

Dear lady standing next to me at the public bathroom sink,

Yes, I have an issue, and it’s called OCD. The chemical misfires in my brain tell me that if I don’t wash my hands exactly as prescribed by professionals, my hands will be contaminated with all sorts of nastiness from touching the stall room doors– to the detriment and deterioration of my personal health.

Of course, you realize this too, that’s why you’re washing your hands. But you don’t do it with the same urgency, the same conviction, the same desperate scrubbing motions and the “Oh man, I lost count there, am I at two minutes or only one and half?”

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Babita’s song

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. —Proverbs 13:12

We are waiting right now. Waiting, again.

Seems like so much of life is lived in the grey area of leaving one abiding place while waiting for the door to swing wide on the next. I feel it more keenly now, as I look into the not-so-far future and see that our family is moving into a season of transitions, of children striking out and finding new places to call home. We are in the waiting phase of anticipated goodbyes and yet, we hope for one more hello.

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Safe above saved

I knew it would come, knew she would say it before her time in Idaho was up:

“I might stay, Momma. I hear God saying something, but I’m not sure what it is yet. Maybe it’s stay.”

You may have asked yourself what the sound of a mother’s heart simultaneously breaking and singing sounds like. Do yourself a favor–try not to find out.

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The weight

It’s been almost agonizing, watching the box at the foot of her bed fill with sheets, spiral notebooks, wool socks. Bit by bit, the elements of my daughter’s life are being distilled into the essentials–the things she cannot leave behind, and the things she will need the most in her new role as a midwifery student.

There are textbooks– most with laborious, detailed titles like “Emergency Delivery Protocols for Out-of-Hospital Midwives.” There are flip-flops for hygienic showering. There are well-loved t-shirts, and the little white stuffed rabbit she has carried with her literally around the globe.

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