When The Formula fails

My Facebook newsfeed has, once again, been co-opted by shocked Christians unable to comprehend the revelation that Josh Duggar, oldest son of the celebrated 19 Kids and Counting clan, has been outed as a sinner.

Yes, I know there are more nuances than that, but like we say to our children around here: “Sin is sin. Doesn’t matter what it looks like. Sin is sin.”

Josh’s personal laundry list of depravity includes fondling girls, viewing porn, committing adultery, and being a raging hypocrite. I would say “alleged depravity” but, as of this writing, he’s admitted to it all. So there it is. He stands accused, he admits guilt. Uncomfortable, yes. But pretty cut and dry as far as scandals go.

Much of the ire in Christian homeschooling circles, however, has been reserved for Josh’s parents, Jim Bob and Michelle. Fingers are pointing to their pursuit of celebrity, their insular approach to community, their particular brand of homeschooling, the faulty theology of their chosen mentors.

And any one of these could be a contributing factor, sure. Any one of them could have contributed— but not caused— their son to dip his toes into the muddy waters of pursuing and ultimately acting out on his sexual impulses in ways outside Biblical and social guidelines.

But, as a parent, I have sympathy for Jim Bob and Michelle– even though I don’t buy what they’re selling when it comes to their allegiance with Bill Gothard and ATI. From what I see, the Duggars fell into one of the most appealing, most comfortable traps Satan sets for Christian parents: The Formula.

We want a good life for our children. We want kids who desire to follow the Lord. We want conflict-free relationships, fulfilling interactions, wholesome friends. We want kids who don’t do drugs, who want to learn, who know right from wrong, and who do us proud. Not too many miles into the marathon of parenting, and we realize that we need help. We can’t do this alone. Someone, somewhere must have the answers. So, we go looking for The Formula.

The Formula is seductive. Families who adhere to The Formula often appear to know something the rest of us don’t. The mother has a seemingly omnipresent, patient smile. The father is an integral part of the daily happenings. The children are clean, well-behaved, and respectful. They’d never even dream of smacking their sister when she might, maybe, possibly be thinking about knocking over their blocks. There are lots of “No, sirs,” and “Thank you, ma’am.” They all seem so … perfect.

The Formula makes promises. Just a few interactions with families who apply The Formula shows us that if we sign up, we can expect tender, teachable hearts in our children– not that they’ll really need them. Because The Formula pretty much ensures that we’ll avoid the pitfalls most parents encounter. No cursing, no tantrums, no disobedience, no sheriff’s deputies on our front porch at 2 a.m. You want children who will rise up and call you blessed? The Formula is your friend!

So, what is The Formula? The Formula is any set of Thou Shalt or Thou Shalt Nots in which you put your faith. The Formula takes the place of the messy business of  sin nature by enforcing hard and fast rules that, if adopted to the letter, will guarantee a perfect walk with Christ.

(Please note: standards are not the same as a formula. Family expectations keep the reliance for sanctification on a personal relationship with Jesus … not on an adherence to a form of legalism. The Formula focuses on the outside, on appearances. Standards try to craft life experiences that allow for growth, with guidance, where it matters most– THE HEART.)

The Formula relies on parents curating an environment and maintaining the purity of their offspring. One word you won’t often hear is grace. Grace is rendered unnecessary when all the focus is on lining up with a yardstick of behavioral rubrics that read like a flowchart:

if NO ROCK MUSIC then NO CONTACT WITH OPPOSITE SEX

if NO CONTACT WITH OPPOSITE SEX then TOTAL PURITY

if TOTAL PURITY then SPOTLESS MARRIAGE

The Formula takes many forms, but it’s always touted as being an easy approach that works for everyone, if they’re willing to work hard enough. In Christian homeschooling circles, it often looks like a certain mode of dress, the outlawing of all forms of media, and interaction only with a pre-screened, select and very like-minded circle of others. There are preferred methods of correction, specific Bible translations, and a narrow definition of forgiveness that are often present. Don’t think that only conservative, evangelical Christians have the market cornered on The Formula, though. Nearly every niche has its own version. Don’t believe me? Mention formula feeding amongst a clutch of babywearing Mommas and see how quickly you’re warned that formula is the highway to a lifetime of woes.

I don’t know if Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar intended to become the poster parents for The Formula, but they did. For years, countless families have watched their show and compared their lives to what they’ve seen presented on-screen. All those kids … and the little girls always have their hair perfectly done! Must be that buddy system! We’re doing that. That sweet Michelle, whispering a gentle and well-received rebuke to that precious 5 year-old boy. Must be that blanket training! Sign me up!

The problem, of course, is that we’re only seeing a selectively edited version of life inside the Duggar home. We all know this, and yet …

We want The Formula. We want what they seem to have, and we’re more than willing to emulate what we see in the hopes of turning out kids who somehow defy Romans 3:10 and are, indeed, righteous. And we’re willing to do whatever “the experts” say it takes to get the result we’re after.

But here’s the thing: there is no guarantee. There is no formula.

You can shine up the outside all you want, and the inside can still hide all the rotten this world has to offer. You can prohibit whatever movies you wish, you can forbid a whole library of words, you can enforce a dress code, you can require attendance at family worship, you can outlaw dancing, cards, and caffeine …

And your child is still a sinner.

Just like me. Just like you.

And just as no one-size-fits-all formula of good behavior could have ever bridged the gap between the price of our sin and salvation, neither can the same buy us children who know, love, and serve the living God in thought as well as deed.

The path to sanctification is not paved with rules enforced by parents who’ve decided that they have stumbled on a fail-proof method of ushering their offspring into adulthood with spotless hearts. It’s an ongoing, life-long process of admitting that, but for the grace of God, but for the very real desire to pursue Him, we, too, would fulfill our flesh at every turn.

There’s no infallible formula for that. It’s just Jesus.

I don’t envy the nightmare the entire Duggar family is waking up to each day. I don’t doubt that they are hurt, and reeling, and trying to make sense of it all. Hopefully, their fan base is taking this opportunity to ask where their faith is. Is it in the Duggars? Is it in The Formula that the Duggars represented to them? Or is it in their Heavenly Father, whose mercies are new every morning? I hope it’s the latter.