If I could change one thing about the way I’m perceived as a mom of many, it wouldn’t be the intrusive, assumptive questions about my family size. It wouldn’t be the curious, wide eyes in the grocery store. It wouldn’t be the people who take time to manually count the number of kids following me through the library.
It would be the retreating, almost apologetic way that other women dismiss their own status as mothers when talking to me.
“I know it’s nothing like what you do. I mean, I only have two …”
“We just have the one …”
Ladies, listen to me carefully: “just” and “only” are not words that were ever meant to be uttered in relation to the number of your children. You are a mother. Period. There is no lesser form of motherhood, no state of “almost” being. If you have a child, you are a mother.
You have earned the title. Don’t let anyone rob you of it.
See, I think I know where this pseudo-shame comes from, and friends, it is not God. It sounds like it’s from God. It’s even purported to be from His own lips. But look closer. Lean in. There is freedom here, not condemnation:
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:3-5
How many of us read that just now and raced only to the headcount? How many of us flitted past “gift of the Lord” and “reward” and only looked for the purported command? You know the verse. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. A full quiver. In other words, a bunch. How blessed is the man with a bunch? Well, clearly, more blessed than the man with a few!
That’s the bill of goods we’ve been sold. Having a large family is more. It’s more blessed, it’s more godly, it’s more of a reward. And you know, for some of us, that’s true. Some of us have been called to live in such a way as to be open, always, to the children God has for us. He has spoken this into our lives and to do otherwise is nothing short of a sin. I can say that, for my own family, this is true. God has made it clear that this is an area He wants us to hand over to Him, to surrender, and to trust.
But what if God hasn’t told you the same thing? What if you’ve prayed, and sought, and asked, and the answer has been totally different? Or what if you’ve begged and beseeched God, and He remains silent? What if you have one child, and feel God’s blessing to be done? What if you have three but long for more, to no avail?
Are you less blessed than me, the woman with the big, white 12-passenger van threatening to overflow?
I am here to say no.
I am here to say that if you are a mother– of one, of five, of two, of any, here on earth or in heaven– you are blessed.
Those of us with larger-than-average families love Psalm 127. We take comfort in the truth that while the world looks upon us with disdain, the Lord does not. We feel wrapped in warmth at the reminder that these children are indeed from Him, and that the sacrifices are worth it. That we’re not freaks. That maybe, just maybe, we’re doing exactly what He made us for.
The problem here, in our rush to justify the calling we have heard so clearly, is the tendency to morph that conviction into a commandment. If it’s what I’ve heard, then surely it’s right for everyone! It says so right there! Children are a blessing! So, more children equals more blessing!
Not that (most of us) would say it out loud. Sure, the fringe has no problems doing it. But your average mom just trying to calculate how many pounds of bananas she needs to buy to get through two days with her eight kids? She most likely isn’t looking around smugly, hoping everyone sees that she has to buy 4 gallons of milk per week in order to keep the hot chocolate flowing at her house.
But the voice of the fringe is louder than the voice of that busy Anymom. Before long, the Big Quiver or Bust movement has co-opted our conviction, leaving those on the outside assuming that every interaction is a potential judgment.
“I only have three kids …”
“We were only able to have one …”
“I’m just raising two …”
Be still, friend.
You are a mother.
You are blessed.
There is no set number of births required for entrance into the club. Heck, you’re a bona fide member no matter whose DNA your children carry.
You’re in. You’re blessed.
Read it again. And this time, hear His voice, not the voice of those who have stolen your rightful joy and delight:
Behold, CHILDREN are a GIFT of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a REWARD.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the CHILDREN of one’s youth.
How BLESSED is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:3-5
Children are a gift. Your quiver– be it a quiver of one, seven, or twenty– is your gift. It comes from God. How many arrows it holds is between you and Him. Never, never, be ashamed of the blessings He has given you. Because to have any at all, well … that is a miraculous gift indeed.
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So true!
Mary, momma to 10
Yes, I love this post! Makes me sad when someone feels like they have to diminish or apologize for their brood of WHATEVER size.
I’m so glad you wrote this- I don’t ever want to be a part of making women feel “less than.”
~Jess
Same here, Jess. Having been on “the other side” (longing and feeling like we were an incomplete family) I have such a heart for those who are in a hurting place. Also, I know many families where there is total peace that God has given His blessing to theirs being a “finished” family with one, two, three, four kids … yet they feel that they are looked down upon. My job as a follower of Christ is to extend grace and love … not to judge conviction!
I have 5 here and 5 waiting for me on the other side. For 13 years I had *only* 1 and felt the stigma and shame. They are not merit badges designed to fill up our sash. They are souls and the number is determined by the Lord. If anyone wants to judge, judge the Lord for He opens and closes the womb.
Jennifer,
I have been in the same hard places, sister. The story of how our family was quilted together is a long one that I may never post fully here, but which bears God’s fingerprints even in the most hurting places. We have lost babies, and we have longed for more. ((hugs)) Our children came to us in God’s time, in His perfect way. Not our choosing … but His alone.
Heather
Thank you. I feel like you gave me a hug today!
Any time at all, friend. Romans 12:15
Yes. Yes. Yes. I totally agree. 🙂
Thanks for this. :>)
You could have written this straight to me. Thank you so much. I am one of the ones with one beautiful, 3-year-old blessing for whom I am immensely grateful. At the same time, I fight all the negative feelings and lies that tell me I don’t measure up, that I am broken, because, in 6+ years of longing to grow our family, I haven’t been able to have more, when all around me are friends who are blessed with babies so easily. I pray that I can embrace the plan God has for me and my family with joy, not defeat. Thank you for your encouraging, graceful words that help in my constant pursuit of the proper perspective.
I know your pain. Intimately. And while I look (on the outside) like the poster girl for Amazing Fertility, well … inside, I still struggle to see myself as anything but “broken,” which was how I felt all those years that a healthy pregnancy eluded us. I will be praying for you, Joni. God IS good. All the time.
Thank you. And yes, yes He is.
Thank you for saying this. I have one wonderful 3 year old, that took us 7 years to get. I went through many losses to get my one. Even though I would be totally fine with just him, I do struggle with thoughts that I am not really a Mother, because I always envisioned myself with a large family. Thank you for helping me see the truth!
Beautifully written. Although, as a fellow mama threatening to overflow my own big, white, 12 passenger van, I could go for a little less staring and counting aloud from the peanut gallery, as well. 😉
Me, too. But once upon a time, I was the by-stander counting heads– not out of pity, but out of a longing in my heart. It’s hard to tell the difference when all you see is the wide eyes, isn’t it?
Thank you, Heather. You brought tears to my eyes today. As you know all too well, my wife and I have zero and an adoption that didn’t go through. Childless. And yet, not at all. We watched two about-two-year-old girls for nine months and now have a teenager for a year. Our house is frequently filled with teens and young adults. They’re “our kids.” And it’s awesome.
And hard.
And beautiful.
And painful.
God’s grace and goodness is a wonderful, terrible thing. Wonderful because God is good and His redemption is amazing. Terrible because walking by faith is hard, rarely what we thought we wanted, and waiting for redemption to unfold hurts. Children are a gift, even when the ones we have aren’t even ours.
So, again, thank you. Even thought I’m not a “real” parent, your post spoke directly to me as well.
~Luke
If fatherhood was solely defined as the act of biological reproduction, how much more would our world be lacking? To be a father, to me, means to impart wisdom, to offer guidance, to protect, to love, and to provide not just material comforts but spiritual truth. You and your bride have wrapped your arms and heart around those in need and opened the doors of your home. That deserves more than just the title, “friend.” I think “Dad” will suffice. 🙂
Stopping by to return your visit! I LOVED this post, and will share it once I finish writing this comment. We’ve been trying for over a year for baby number two, and your writing here was very encouraging. Thank you!
Truly Great post! Thanks for that!
I had a major role in raising my sister’s three Boys when I was a middle aged spinster – I did everything for them a Mother would do – but I wasn’t their Mother – so no “title”
Then, I married in middle age, and God Blessed us with “only” one Child (on this earth) – she’s wonderful!
When I say “I only have one kid” to someone with a bunch of kids, I usually mean that I’ve tried raising both a houseful & a single child – and there’s no denying it – One at a time is WAY easier! : )
But, to be honest, I do get really sick of the condescension. The “you wouldn’t understand” or “you couldn’t possibly know what it’s like” or “just wait till she becomes a teenager – they’re tough!” sort of comments. (I’ve raised some teenagers – I promise you – I know what they’re like! And I LIKE them! : ) Or “You have a girl – boys are different” (um – not so much – been there, done that – all kids can be a handful at times!)
And, I do get tired of blog posts with titles – or signature lines – that proudly (in the seven-deadly-sins sense of the word) declare how many kids a person is raising. Or, how many Boys. (never have I seen a blog title “Mother to One Girl” or “Childless Woman”!)
Thanks for a nice, balancing post. Each Christian tries their best to be right in the center of God’s Will – it is best if we see the beauty of Christ in each Christian family.
Thank you for this post. As the mom of ten, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying 🙂
I think this is the loveliest thing I have ever read from a mom of many! Thank you for blessing the heart of this infertile Myrtle!
Wow! Great and balanced post! Thank you!
~Joy, mother of three~ 😉
Thanks, Joy!
Really lovely.
We live in a city where large families are extremely rare and having them is often referred to as excessive breeding. People ask me many questions that all add up to… why so many? (keep in mind I am expecting my 5th. My family doesn’t seem excessive to me) It feels awkward because I would never ask a fellow mother, why only one? They are mothers too and the heart has its own reasons and story. I never expected to be blessed with 5. I didn’t plan it. I have been accused of everything from overpopulation to enjoying lovemaking too much. (no kidding…)
Because of the situation I live in, which might predispose me to some of the strife between mothers that you hint at, it is important for me to remember that we all have our own stories.
It is so, so hard when you feel that people are staring down their nose at you. I get that impression nearly every time I head into Seattle proper. My van alone seems an affront to the general population, kwim? I do try to shrug it off, though. Very rarely have I encountered people willing to be abrasive or rude in a direct way. The rest, I can handle. 🙂
I have SO enjoyed my visit with you here today, Heather. This post is so full of grace and wisdom and love…you are a blessing! Hugs, Camille