One of the most-quoted lines in large family circles is this: “Large families really don’t really cost any more than average-sized families.” Which sounds really, really nice, especially when followed up with a list of ways that dollars (and food stuffs, and clothing) can be stretched to cover not just one child, but six.
There’s just one little problem: it’s not true.
Oh, I don’t mean the bits about kids being just fine without top-of-the-line clothing brands, or about how cooking from scratch saves you boatloads over the course of a few years, or even about how you don’t need so many square feet per person when calculating out your living space.
I’m talking about the rest of it. The whole big picture, actually. More kids cost more money. And that’s just the way it is.
Now before you think I’m trying to persuade anyone from following a personal conviction or even a simple dream to see their house overflowing, know this: I think that measuring the size of your family by the size of your paycheck is a perilous practice at best. I’ve been surprised by God’s provision, again and again, as we’ve found our finances able to handle “just one more.” By birth or adoption, we’ve seen the needs met even when the math shouldn’t play out.
But to say that seven children cost the same to raise as two, well… that’s just silly. Unless we’re only focusing on the younger years (and I think many folks are), costs rise with each additional person. How so?
Food. Shortly after we landed back in the States, my husband and I took a good, hard look at our budget and said, “Well, God … with your help, we can make this work.” I immediately began searching “large family meals on a budget” and “feed a crowd on the cheap.” One popular large family blogger popped up immediately with her tips for keeping the food budget super tight. Two of her recommendations made me cringe: first, use only two chicken breasts to feed the whole family and, second, lock the pantry. Guys … no. Two chicken breasts split among two adults, one young woman, two famished teenage boys, two elementary-school age boys, a preschooler, and a growing toddler? That amounts to what? Three bites each? Unless this is a meal rich in other protein sources, there’s no way that’s going to fly– or be healthy in the long-term. And locking the pantry to prevent snacking? Sorry, but my kids eat when they’re hungry. Not a single one of them qualifies as even remotely chunky (actually, they are all on the “are you too thin?” side) and guys, they eat. They don’t raid the storehouses all day long, but they know that when they are hungry, they are welcome to food. That comes at a cost, yes … but it’s one that must be paid. But if you think you can possibly feed a family of ten on $300 per month, you’re mad.
Clothes. In the early years, yes– invest once and recycle, recycle, recycle. Hand-me-downs (especially those carefully selected for durability and of great quality) pay dividends. There are also consignment sales, resale shops, thrift stores, Goodwill … all good sources to build a family closet. But as the kids get bigger, and their individual tastes more refined, there’s a line where holding hard and fast to a used-only budget, or only ever having your brother’s broken-in jeans, just becomes, well… a stretch. For example, my two oldest boys, though only 2 years apart, don’t end up with the same wardrobe. Mathaus’ build is completely different from Jack’s. Seeing Jack in anything but a few of his brother’s t-shirts is usually a little comical. I guess I could insist, for frugality’s sake, that he endure ill-fitting clothing. But that feels decidedly wrong in my heart. On top of that, I hate to break it to you moms of youngers, but … well, the used market dries up. Finding clothes on the cheap becomes a much more challenging game of retail sales ($5 shirts at Old Navy!) and haunting stores that specialize in lower prices on higher-end gear. (And we won’t even talk about the cost of adult-sized shoes for growing kids!)
Doing, well … anything. In the beginning, most of your kids fit under the vaunted “Kids five and under free!” heading. And the kiddie menu for 12 and under … priceless. But those days are numbered. Eventually, though you may still be counting heads for freebie zoo admission, you’re also adding adult rates in the 13 and up category. Pretty soon, you’re dropping $200 for the membership and forcing kids on monthly trips that have the distinct feel of a death march just to justify the expense.
Life. Even if you don’t plan on footing the bill for a 4-year college education for everyone, expect them to buy their own cars and subsidize their own hobbies, life happens. High school graduation parties. Braces. Mission trips. Homeschooling. Once you have older teens, I guarantee you’ll look back longingly at the days of thinking you just spent a fortune on that $500 year-long full curriculum.
In closing, none of this is a reason to limit your family size out of fear. On the contrary– one of the most miraculous things I’ve seen in having a large family is precisely the way God fills in the financial blanks. Raising children costs money. Not the ridiculous amounts reported in the media, but not the Pollyanna numbers bandied around in some circles, either. The point here is that God provides. A bigger-than-norm family is a step of faith in more ways than one. You will be stretched- and enriched– in more ways than you can imagine. Let’s not minimize that beautiful refining by claiming that it’s “no big deal” and making it seem more works-based (“I can feed us all week on $20!”) than faith-based.
So true! And I just took advantage of the Old Navy sales this week 🙂 Yay for $5 shirts and Buy One Get One jeans. God has provided for us each step of the way. We have 5 kids, but recently I came across my husbands pay review from 12 years ago and thought, “How did we survive on THIS?” We survive, we thrived, and his income grew as our family grew. God is good.
I am curious where in NC you landed. I’ve followed your blogs for years and never thought you’d be in good ol’ NC. We are about an hour north of Charlotte, 45 minutes south of Greensboro. We love small town, NC. Feel free to email me if you’re nearby. Our sons share a birthday (and he was also foster to adopt blessing). 🙂
I have seen God provide, over and over again! The hard part for me is remembering that He takes care of it and my stressing over it, will not make it any better.
Thank you, Heather! And thank God for his timing with this post! We’re expecting baby #5, due on our oldest’s 6th birthday. Payday/budget time can be stressful. And I get torn between trusting God to provide, or should we be more ‘responsible’ like some and stop having babies? So far, it’s not the latter! Even though it gets tricky financially, especially when the numbers just don’t add up, it’s amazing to recall all the neat ways the Lord has provided for us just when we needed it 🙂 I’ve been forgetting that too easily lately, which only feeds fear more than faith. I’m so thankful for this important reminder and the sweet encouragement you’ve given. Thank you again!
Thank you!! I read one of those blogs once and one of the suggestions for snack time was to slice an apple and split it between everyone! I’m not sure about their kids, but a few apple slices aren’t going to hold over my kids! I also heard recently that your grocery budget should not be more than 1/4-1/3 your income… I had to wonder for what size family, oursis definitely over that mark, with 7 growing boys and an active little girl! I appreciate your honest post, and you’re absolutely right – more kids do cost more money. But God has always, always provided!
I always feel lied to when I see meal plans that are X amount, but they only include dinner! We definitely spend more on groceries than any thing else on our budget, thanks to 6 boys and a little bird of a girl. I always think it’s going to feel like we’ve gotten a huge raise when it’s just hubby and I to feed 🙂 That’s basically our retirement plan!
Mom of 8 here – this is spot on. Two of ours are adults now and pay for most of what they do (they’re both in college and we help where we can). It’s not impossible but we have my husband’s large salary and my tiny one that picks up the fun stuff like Christmas presents and tennis lessons. If you want a big family, you have to be okay with that being where your money goes!
As a mom of 7. 3 of them being teens. I find some truth in this article. like no way 2-3 chicken breast would work in most of our meals! But on the other hand we have done 300$ or less for groceries more than a few times. But not every mo. And I stock up when we have more to spend. On the other hand we have been very blessed to have great thrift stores and friends with kids who often decide to get rid of clothes. So we hardly ever buy anything new unless its on clearance and less than 5$ often much less. Even hubby and I buy cloths at thrift stores. But again we are blessed to have lots of them in our area and are able to buy nice things there.i know that is not always available. So I can see where that could be plot more expensive than it is for us.
So while I get the point you desire to make. Some parts of having more kids is more expensive Than having less children. And yes it is easier to be frugal with smaller children since they generally have less expations for things that cost more. But it can still be done with teens too. 🙂
Quote: “One of her recommendations made me cringe: first, use only two chicken breasts to feed the whole family and, second, lock the pantry. Guys … no.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I know many large families and I have seen this first hand. Children are hungry and the parents refuse to feed them or severely limit their food to unreasonable portions. I remember one time a particular family had been out at an outdoor event with us practically all day and the kids were only allowed half a hot dog each the whole time and were yelled at for wanting more. They also are not allowed to snack at all (I observe this when we are around them other times). The children are very small but it’s hard to say if they are malnourished or if it’s genetics. But sometimes I wonder if they aren’t growing right because they aren’t receiving enough food.
I have always raised my children to eat when hungry (even if frequently) and to stop when full. This started with nursing on demand at the breast. They will leave dessert unfinished if they are full. When they say they are hungry, I feed them. They don’t overeat, and often times when they are more hungry than usually I will realize other things that indicate a growth spurt. I even remember at one time my son (who has food allergies) stopped growing well when he was young (under 2) because I became pregnant and lost my milk supply. The gained a lot of weight back when my milk returned. He couldn’t tolerate a lot of solids because of his allergies. It broke my heart to realize he wasn’t growing right, but there wasn’t much I could do after I had already conceived. So, it just makes me wonder how much children are suffering (and how this effects other things like their behavior and learning, etc) because they are going without.
There is a big difference between limiting gluttonous behavior and unhealthy eating habits and starving your kids. People need to carefully take finances into account when growing their family.
On the other side, I see how things can come up unexpected, and unexpected pregnancies happen. And then people are doing the best they can with the best they have. So it’s a difficult subject. For example, we were doing well financially and my husband was set for a promotion. WIthout any warning, the business went under and my husband lost his job. So for a very short time I found myself having to feed the family processed, cheap, junk food because healthier food is more expensive. For example- $1 totino’s frozen pizza verses even a pound of ground beef for $4/lb—I went with a couple frozen pizzas.
Fortunately, although we had hard times here and there, God has provided. And we’ve seen time and time again if we do not tithe- immediately- we see our financial situation take a downturn just as quickly (car breaks down or something). So we try to be diligent about our tithing now. But it’s frustrating when I see families not giving their children enough or quality food when they are spending money on other non-necessities (toys, makeup, hair stylists, etc).