I admit to being completely caught off guard when my August post, “My husband is an idiot and I can’t stand my kids,” garnered so much attention. (42.3K shares on Facebook alone!) I’ve heard countless bl0ggers admit that there’s no way of knowing what post will strike a chord with readers, no formula to predict what will capture the collective attention. But that post resonated with a good number of people — at least enough to get them to click the link — and its still resonating.
As the post took off, the comments started rolling in. I really don’t expect comments very often; it’s become almost old-fashioned in this Facebook/Twitter/Instagram instant feedback world to take the time to type in your thoughts and respond to what you’ve read. When I do get comments, it feels very much like walking to the end of the driveway, opening the mailbox, and finding a personal note tucked inside. Awwwww! For meeee? By and large, the comments on the August post were supportive. But an undercurrent of backlash to my words quickly developed.
At issue was the supposition that I am in support of squashing down any hard stuff in the name of being sweet. I was accused of thinking it was better to never admit that marriage, that parenting, that life is hard in the name of keeping up appearances for those around you. To which I say … not even close.
Life is hard. Relationships are messy. People are difficult to live with. Community gets ugly.
But guess what? It’s possible to be utterly raw about all of that and still be respectful.
It’s true. You can be in the midst of the worst season of your marriage, or the hardest part of your parenting, and never malign the other party. You can turn to a trusted friend and let it all out … and never use four-letter words to describe your husband, or call into question whether it was worth birthing one of your children.
But guess what? It requires us to be humble. It requires us to choose our words wisely. And it requires us to examine the situation closely and see if some of the possible fault sits in our own laps.
The comments I received that criticized my stance the most vehemently were from those who felt that it was their right to “vent” to others outside their situation: to release a little tension so that their pent-up frustrations didn’t boil over onto the object of their ire. If I really understood relationships, folks claimed, I’d know that this was far better than storing it all up and vomiting the emotions later onto family.
I have never claimed to be a relationship expert, but I do have access to Scripture, and here’s what I read: Jesus never gossips, nor does He tear down people in front of others. Jesus doesn’t pull Peter aside and whisper, “Dude, I have got to say something or I am going to erupt. Those Sons of Thunder are driving me batty! Always following me around, looking for the next pie to stick their fingers into. And did you see that they have their mother dogging me now? What losers!” Even after the horrible scene at the temple where the tables of moneychangers go flying, you don’t hear Jesus crowing about it afterward. “Can you believe those idiots? I showed them. I told them exactly how I felt about what they were doing. They’ll think long and hard before trying that one again.”
In fact, the main examples we have of Jesus dealing with people who are clearly repeatedly getting his goat end with him speaking directly to the responsible parties.
And He answered them and said, “O unbelieving generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring him to Me!” —Mark 9:19
And Jesus answered and said, “You unbelieving and perverted generation, how long shall I be with you and put up with you? Bring your son here.” — Luke 9:41
But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” —Mark 10:14
Clearly, we can’t be sinless. But we are called to follow the example Christ set for us on earth. So, step one in being real without being rude? Talk to the person, not about the person.
But what about those times when you really, really just need to be heard outside of the microcosm of your one-on-one relationship with your husband or child? What if you really need an ear? Perspective? Encouragement?
I don’t believe we are to soldier on alone, bearing our burdens and smiling through as if everything in our world is all sunshine and roses. Far from it. God created community so that we might share the journey. Turning to a trusted sister in Christ (or a group of them) and asking for godly wisdom and prayer is a good thing when the waters get rough. But can we all agree that “My husband is such a child! He comes home, sits down in front of his video games and doesn’t notice me or the kids for the next four hours. This happens every day. He’s such a loser. I could kill him!” doesn’t do either of those things? How about, “Ladies, I’m at a loss. My husband isn’t engaging at home; he’s distracted by gaming. I need prayer, and I need help. Has anyone else dealt with this? Anyone have resources?”
All of a sudden, the issue is the problem, not the person. Has the matter been addressed? Yes. Is the heart of the wife a little less heavy? You bet. Has God been glorified by a voice that seeks to solve a problem without running down a whole household? For sure.
As for the issue of fault, well … I’m not in the camp that would suggest that anyone is to blame for the choices/actions of others. A wife doesn’t cause her husband to gamble, to cheat, or to abuse her. Please don’t even think I’m going there. But there certainly are some (far less horrific) circumstances where it’s a two-party problem. Your child is on electronics at the dinner table and it drives you bonkers? Parent that and pull the plug, don’t bash your kid for his uncouth behavior. Your husband doesn’t participate in the bedtime routine and you’re an exhausted mess by the time everyone is down at night ? Instead of complaining that he’s a slacker, ask directly for help and make opportunities for his involvement in areas where he is proficient until he gains confidence handling more of the duties. He may not be aware of the need — or your snarky attitude may be turning him off to stepping in.
Being real, sharing our journey, and bearing one another’s burdens is one of the privileges handed down to us by God’s establishment of His church. He has given us a community in which to live out the inherent challenges and hardships, joys and victories. Choosing to be respectful of the gifts He has given us can sometimes require biting our tongue, or being more mindful of our words, but it’s always the right choice.
Yes! This needs to be said … frequently.
Oh my, Heather! You are real on your blog and real in life. People think you are just trying to keep up appearances? You do a beautiful job of balancing reality with privacy, something very important on the internet.
Ahhh, venting. I have some opinions on this as well. But here is where I hang my hat,
Proverbs 29:11
11 A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.
I find that those who want to vent to me end up dumping on me instead, leaving me slimed and left to sort out their baggage myself. I am not a fan.
However, I did learn a technique from a dear sister when someone is venting and I don’t have much control over the situation. While the venter is venting she holds their stuff in her hands in her mind and takes them all to Jesus and prays. She never actually receives the vent, thereby keeping herself clean and simultaneously praying for the hurting person.
Ok, just some thoughts. Keep on writing, your wisdom is a blessing. Love.
Excellent words of wisdom, Heather.