It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman. ~ Proverbs 21:9
Can you imagine? I don’t know about you, but my roof is exposed to the elements. You know the phrases: “At least I have a roof over my head,” or “Just trying to keep a roof over my head.” These words are not often said by people who feel a lot of joy in their lives. These phrases are used by people trying to find the bright side of a terrible situation.
And yet, the Bible says it’s “better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” In fact, the Bible says this twice! It’s repeated again in Proverbs 25:24 word for word. I used to think it must somehow be a misprint, but if all Scripture is God-breathed (2 Timothy 3:16), then mark my words, there’s no mistaking that God meant this passage to be listed twice.
It reminds me of some neighbors who once lived near us. My wife and I were excited when they moved in because we were told they were a nice, young Christian family with children about the same ages as some of our younger children. We thought this could be a great opportunity for the children to play with some new friends who were being raised with a Christ-like heart and spirit, such as we have always tried to do with ours.
We also thought it might be nice to have some neighbors who shared our faith and might be an example of that to other non-Christian neighbors in the surrounding houses, and wouldn’t it be great to share some faith issues with another couple next door?
Soon after their move, I must confess, I was having a difficult time wanting to even talk with the couple or even think about having meaningful faith conversations with them.
By the third week, a clear pattern of verbal abuse from the wife was very evident. She nagged her husband about everything. She ordered him around as if he were a servant. She bad-mouthed him to the other moms in the neighborhood, including my wife, mostly when he wasn’t around but even some days when he was standing next to her!
This happened inside their home, outside in the driveway, even at church. It was almost impossible not to hear her yelling at him regardless of how hard you tried. It also was clear that it was having an impact on the children. They seemed to feel a pity for their dad, and while you could say this was a blessing, they also sensed that their father wasn’t worth listening to or that if they wanted something they would need to go to their mother.
My wife tried to talk with the woman but basically was told her husband was “just stupid.” During my conversations with the husband, either he didn’t care about the nagging because it really eliminated any real responsibility he had, or he didn’t have the strength to confront his wife. I think it was both.
I would see him outside with the children, never really paying much attention to them, yet dropping everything the second his wife yelled so as to avoid harsher words if he didn’t move fast enough. But I also think there was this passive-aggressive side that kept him from doing anything right the first time because he knew his wife would still be unhappy.
I remember my wife asking me, “How does he live with her?”
I don’t know the answer to that, and I’m glad, but I do know the relationship isn’t Biblical. This proverb about a quarrelsome wife is a clear indicator of how destructive such behavior can be to a relationship. Proverbs also says, a quarrelsome wife is like a “constant dripping on a day of steady rain.” We all know a constant dripping will drive you nuts. It’s almost impossible not to have a constant dripping raise your blood pressure.
Unfortunately, I don’t believe my neighbors’ situation is unique.
God expects us to act together as one when we marry. I continually come back to Genesis 2:24 and the definition of a man and woman united as husband and wife: “They shall become one flesh.”
As Christian couples and families, we should see each member as a reflection of ourselves. If one person is weak, what have I done to cause this? If another is overbearing, how should I help correct this?
From a Christian worldview, I don’t believe husbands and wives are equal to the point that they can exchange roles. Instead, each has a unique role given to them by God at creation so that when they work together, they complement each other to create one whole.
So, it’s not right for a husband or a wife to be a nag, to be quarrelsome or to continually put down the other. It poisons that individual, makes them less than what God intended and in the end hurts both members of the marriage.
If we are to accept that man is the head of the household, as the Bible tells us, then any woman who usurps that role from her husband is causing their marriage to be unbalanced. She is at fault, but her husband is also to blame.
It’s hard enough to be a Christ-centered man in this non-Christian world. We’re told to work until we drop so that we can gain fast cars, beaucoup money and big homes. We’re made to feel insignificant, small and a failure if we don’t conquer our women, our jobs and any other obstacle that gets in our way.
It’s a twisted sense of what God intends for us. He wants us to be hard workers (Adam was given a job in the garden), strong protectors (David protected his family), and wise men (Solomon was the wisest), but also to be the spiritual head of our families.
I believe much of a husband’s and father’s work ethic, strength, wisdom and spiritual leadership comes from his wife. Wives have a great opportunity — in many ways often subtle — to help direct their husbands so that they properly steer their household through the muck of this world.
“A prudent wife is from the Lord,” Proverbs also says, as if to point out that with prudence should come enough sense for a woman to speak kindly to her husband, to never talk poorly about him in front of others (including their children) and as a couple to make decisions in fellowship with the Lord. God is counting on Christian wives to lift up their men because this world is tough enough.
Does this mean a wife should turn a blind eye to her husband’s transgressions? Absolutely not. Paul says we all are responsible for the betterment of our brothers and sisters, so that two people united in marriage owe one another the support they need to stay on God’s path. But beating a man down only alienates him, does not make him want to change, and has a long-term effect on the children who watch their mom and dad go through such motions.
All they will learn is that the “drip, drip, drip” coming from a leaky faucet never leads to positive change. But it might just make him look for that corner of the roof to call his own.
Today’s piece was taken from Christopher’s book “Raising Daughters.” It is a companion piece to his other book “Raising Sons.” While written to dads, these books make a great family read, complete with Bible readings, study questions and prayerful reflection. From now until Father’s Day, both are available at a discount price by clicking here.
