I remember when 2018 seemed so far away. Mathaus was still a young boy with a mop of strawberry blonde hair and a mouth full of baby teeth when I charted out a progression of Sonlight cores, year by year, for my family. His side of the chart stopped at 2017/2018, and I marveled at how many years sat between my present and my future.
And here we are: that future is now.
I guess the clock has been ticking since that day. No, that’s not right. The clock has been ticking since the moment he climbed into the little wood chair across from his sister and asked for a pair of scissors, too. Or maybe even before that? The first time he dragged a copy of Brown Bear, Brown Bear to the couch and insisted I read it?
I can’t say, exactly. Maybe neither of them were real moments, just signs of growth and readiness. Who can tell?
Right now, I’m reading a lot of signs. Signs that Mathaus has his future on his mind, signs that he’s ready to take the leap to college come August. Signs that’s he’s grown beyond much of my teaching and ready for a bigger pond in which to swim. Signs that he’s ready for his first, introductory steps to living on his own.
More than anything, I’m reading signs that he is still here, and knowing that come fall, I’ll be heartbroken by the signs that’s he’s not. Mathaus brings his own voice to our family, and truth be told, I have no idea what we will be without him: without his specific brand of wit, without his Shakespearean quotes, without his staunch order, without his creative eye, without his almost English ability to carry on with a stiff upper lip.
Every once in a while, I find myself looking at Simon, or even Jude. The signs are there, of course; Simon can write his name and read his first words the other day. Jude can count to seven and recognize his name— when he’s not confusing it with Jack’s, which gives us all a giggle since they’re so much alike. God willing, they will graduate from our homeschool in the years 2031 and 2033. Right now, those years sound almost laughably far off, in a future I can’t even imagine. But then again, 2018 was once that place I couldn’t picture. And here it is, so much sooner than I could have ever dreamed.