Lately, I hear myself repeating the same answer to questions concerning our pending move to Nepal to train church planters.
I hear myself saying “I don’t know” or some variant of “I don’t know” like “not sure” or “maybe, maybe not.”
People have great questions, including:
- What are you taking with you? “Not sure yet.”
- How will our time there affect the children? “No idea.”
- Will we enjoy the food or miss American fare? “Hmm, probably, maybe.”
- Will we ever come back, and for how long? “Yes, but I don’t know how long.”
- “Do you have enough funding? “Yes, maybe not, I don’t know.”
The thing is, as we get closer to boarding that plane to Nepal in September, the list of “I don’t knows” just seems to grow.
I don’t know what we’re doing with our house (probably renting but possibly selling).
I don’t know exactly what to pack (some books, some clothes? Definitely my Bible. Legos? A dog? Yes, Legos, yes the dog). I don’t know which way we’ll go (across the Pacific but through Korea or Hong Kong?).
I haven’t a clue what becomes of my children as they live and grow in a developing country on the other side of the planet where the sun is high in the sky as we lay our heads to bed over here.
I ponder these questions myself, especially as I’m sitting in my car each morning waiting for the bus to arrive that takes me to work. What does become of my 17-month-old son who will learn to speak Nepali as fast as he learns English. Is this OK? I don’t know.
My three-year-old daughter who loves to be a princess and look “boo-tiful,” is she still going to feel like a princess? My 16-year-old daughter who just graduated from high school this year, what next for her? I don’t know. How about the other children, my wife or even me?
I’ve no problem coming up with scenarios in my head, but these days, letting the “I don’t know” just be seems to best.
For one, I can get way ahead of myself. Before you know it, I’ve built a chain of events that no one can fathom, and life rarely unfolds the way I expect it.
Second, I actually believe that God has a plan — the best plan — and when He’s ready to fill me in on the details, I’m sure I’ll be one of the first to know.
I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments when not having the answer has put me in a bit of a panic. “What on earth am I doing to my family?!?!?! Am I nuts?” But I exhale and hear: “Probably, but I don’t know.”
I’d be more worried (and others should be worried about me as well) if I wasn’t ruminating over all of these things. Jesus said to weigh the costs of discipleship, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Sure, there are a million reasons to stay right here: Good job, good pay, nice home, healthy and happy family. Good friends, great church, transportation ease, medical care worth paying for, novocaine at the dentist, Kraft macaroni and cheese.
None of them seem to outweigh what “I don’t know” might become, a calling of its own in some ways. Truth is, I cannot tell you what happens on this next leg of our lives, this grand adventure as some have called it. I don’t know how it all turns out.
But I’m willing to find out, and for one very good reason. God does, and that’s good enough for me.
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