Let’s face it– no matter what number pregnancy you’re on, you know that there are some people who are going to go bug-eyed and start squealing before you can get the words “I’m pregnant,” out of your mouth. And there are other people who will take your announcement with all the joy of a funeral march.
Of course, we all want our family members in the first category. And why shouldn’t we? I mean, it’s awesome when your best friend thinks you having another baby is the highlight of her year… but it would be even more awesome if the people who are supposed to be your biggest fans at least thought the idea was, you know … worth celebrating? Like this flowchart suggests …
For many large families, telling our own relatives that another baby is on the way looks nothing like that chart. As a matter of fact, it’s our least favorite part of the reveal process. And for good reason. Consider these actual reactions reported by some of my friends:
“You’re joking, right?” -L.A. (baby number 3)
“Why?” -R.S. (baby number 7)
“I knew you’d do something stupid like this.” -J.H. (baby number 5)
“You think this is a good thing?” -H.F. (baby number 5)
And that’s the rub, isn’t it? When we think it’s a good thing–whether it’s baby number one or baby number twelve– it’s hurtful to get feedback that makes us feel like our already-loved addition is anything less than a reason to dance.
Why, then, do some folks act like you’ve just off-loaded the news that you’ve done something unthinkable–specifically to them? I think it mostly boils down to these points:
It’s not “normal.” In a time and place where having more than two children is something of an anomaly, it’s difficult to comprehend why you’d be ok having more. After all, being “normal” is good, right?
You’re making your life harder. This one is well-intentioned: by virtue of loving you so much, your extended family wants you to have a good, easy life. Having come to believe that raising children is not the path of least resistance towards that goal (which is true), they greet the news of each addition as a hurdle towards what they assume will make you most happy.
No one wants to be related to kooks. Everyone has a batty aunt, a cousin who has done time, or a reclusive branch of the family tree that we keep tucked in the closet. Having a large family makes you one of those weirdos.
Their generation was the first to experience the “benefit” of birth control. The pill was introduced for contraceptive use in 1960; by 1962 more that 1.2 million women were on board for chemically controlling their family size. Freed from decades of diapers and years of hands-on parenting, it’s hard for many of those same women to see large families as anything but a step backward.
They think you’re judging their choices. “I had two babies. I didn’t want to have any more. You have ten. You think I’m a bad mom, don’t you?” Few people say it, but trust me… it’s often there.
Each pregnancy has an inherent risk factor. The more babies, the higher the odds of something going awry in the process, or of the baby failing the world’s standard of “perfect.” Every time you have a child, you’re buckling your extended family in for the ride with you–whether they want to be there or not.
They worry that you’re biting off more than you can chew. Maybe you’ve managed to stay afloat with three, or six, or nine kids… but this one might just put you over what you time, your finances, or your sanity can handle. No one wants to watch a loved one drown, and they wonder if yours will be Death by Too Many Littles in Car Seats.
You’re limiting them. More nieces and nephews, more grandkids. They picture a pie chart. If there’s one big pie of Aunt Suzy’s time and now it has to be divvied into 12 slices for two families instead of the average 4, she feels cheated out of those big old hunks she thought she’d be doling out. Same goes for gift giving budgets, car trips, family vacations.
They just don’t see it the way you do. And this is the biggie, right? Worldview is everything. And in this case, they just can’t see the blessing. It’s hurtful to you, yes … but it’s not meant to be. It just … well, it just is.
The truth is, when we supersize our own branch, we are adding to a family tree. And while we’d love to hear nothing but joy at the announcement of another sprout, we can’t control the reactions of others. All we can do is try not to let those jaw drops ruin our own celebration. And hey … in most cases, most of the time, even the most horrified relation usually softens once they set eyes on that newborn babe.
What’s been the reaction from your extended family when you’ve announced pregnancies?
My announcement of number 4 was not met with joy from my parents not so much because of the number…but because I was divorced and not yet remarried. I had already disappointed them. This was over the top. And while I knew it was going to disappoint them, I still hoped they would surprise me.
It made me vow that ANY pregnancy announcement I ever get from any of my kids, regardless of circumstances, will be met with a joyful response. Because hello? It’s a BABY! 🙂
I have made the same vow. I figure this: the announcement is not the time for asking questions or voicing concerns. The announcement moment is the “Oh my goodness, break out the noisemakers and let’s PARTY!” If there are concerns (say, a health issue) then later on, I can gently say, “Hey, is there any way I can support you during this time? I know that XYZ are a possibility, and I want you to know that I’m right here.”
My mom said (upon hearing of #4 out of an eventual 5), “Oh, honey, I’m just concerned you won’t get enough rest.” She’s all onboard now but it was the most depressing reaction ever. That lack of family jubilation is a real buzz kill. It hurts.
It is! I understand the concern, and try to keep people’s motives in mind, but wow … it still hurts.
I actually had a relative tell me I needed to use some common sense when we announced that we were adopting our third precious little one. There are so many logical and Biblically correct responses I wanted to share with that person, but rather than engage in what they would perceive to be a power struggle, I chose silence.
Biting your tongue is a perfectly acceptable response, imo. I have employed that technique myself.
hmm. Let’s see.
(Ex) MIL and FIL reaction to #3 – tears of sorrow. ” we can’t believe you’d do this to the environment .
(Ex) SIL reaction to # 7 (#6 died at birth) – emailed to say she ” couldn’t believe my selfishness. To put my family through this again, after all this baby will most likely die as well. ” also that I ” couldn’t possibly be healthy enough to have another baby. That must be why the last died. She herself was healthy and all natural which is why she should be having babies, not me”
Oh, Liz. ((hugs))
Oh, Liz… Ugh. That’s worse than my mom.
On #1 (the first child, mind you?!?!) announcement she asked why we were having a baby so young, because she was too young to be a grandmother. She was 61. I was 28 and had been married 5 years. She was 33 when she had me, but her own grandmother was 38 when she was born. (She also had strong feelings about zero population growth, but actually held her tongue as our number increased… though she passed away before #s 5&6 were conceived…)
This is an issue Heather didn’t really discuss in the blog-article, but definitely what is going on with your ex-SIL and my mom:
Selfishness/self-centeredness, and jealousy.
You or me having a child changes how the other person feels about themselves – getting older, why can’t they have such a large, happy brood, etc – and they take it out on us.
I don’t know that there is any real answer to this except to try to be aware of which people are like this and accept that what they say will reflect on them more than on you… (Later on, my mom – who lived a 2-day drive away – would call up several times a week and talk [complain] at me for an hour or more, then finally ask, with a tone of resignation [I guess I have to do this, I *am* their grandmother] “so how are the kids?” It hurt. A lot. I kept my answers short. And worked on getting over it later… ;-P )
We are pregnant with our #4 boy, within 6 years of marriage and it’s been somewhat comical the reactions we have received. I think overall everyone is excited for the pending arrival and of course once baby arrives will be loving on him like the first child, but the process in waiting is always fun. I don’t know how many “you will soon have a ball team, you know” remarks I’ve heard to “So do you know exactly how many kids you’re gonna have?” to “Are you gonna keep trying for a girl?” (as if that’s our only goal in life is to “make a girl” or that we are hopelessly destined to be boy-parents) and finally “Which brother is he gonna be like? (hint: they are all completely different and nothing alike). So needless to say, in the mean time, I try to just find humor in it, and let them see the little bundle of joy for his or herself when he arrives.
So what are good replies to questions like these??? My usual response is somewhat vague or non-answering as I don’t think these questions can really be answered in a simple manor? Or maybe people don’t really expect answers…. it’s just conversation because I am not sure they really know how or what to say?
I really try to be kind and encouraging in my replies to those kinds of questions, but I readily admit, that’s not always possible. Some people are just nosey or rude, and shutting them down with a simple, “We’re just grateful for the gifts we’ve been given,” and moving on is the best I can manage.
To be honest, we had our #4 at least partially to offset those comments: #1 and #2 were girls, and after #3 being a boy, everyone seemed to assume we were stopping because we “had our boy.”
I didn’t want my (1st) son OR my daughters to grow up thinking that was why we had stopped with him. I grew up in an ethnic community where that really WAS what people did, and I had friends who clearly felt that they not as important as The Little King. Even if we treated them all the same, there was still the extended family…
Try this one on for size: “we’re creating a decent sample-size to evaluate the genetic contributions from both families – a girl would just mess up our data-set!” (I’m a geneticist – I actually give a variation on this.)
This is helpful for me as a mom to only one so far to know how to live and support family members who have lots of kids. It’s also helpful for the future as I Lord willing would love to have a big family. On that subject any tips to moms with only one or two who are looking to have a lot of kids? Thanks for sharing! Your writing is so good. Love your Jesus honoring perspective.
First– there is no “only”! One child makes you a mother. Congrats! 🙂
In terms of tips … do you mean practical stuff, like how not to drown in laundry? Or tips on how to diffuse the stares of the people in the grocery store? LOL
From the mother in law on announcement for number 3 – silence. Number 7 – where will you put it? (Living in a small house at the time.) When she found out she wasn’t the first one we told with #10, she actually acted hurt. (huh?) We had long since made her pretty much the last person we tell because of her bad reactions.
Oh, that is hard! Does she come around after the baby is born?
I’ll let you know. Baby’s due in early March. 😉
I’m experiencing the same reactions but my circumstances are slightly different. I’m an older mom. We haven’t been blessed with a large family, but our blessings have arrived later in life. In there we’ve had our share of miscarriages (the private as well as the more public and harrowing kinds too). I’m 48 and still get speeches from my mom whenever she can’t take it anymore and just has to inquire if we are still open to more children. Accused of being selfish and foolish. And she’s got her friends involved too. I feel your pain.
There’s definitely a perceived cut-off point at which it’s assumed that we should have “learned our lesson.” Concerns shift, too. We get asked often if we’ve done the math on how old we’ll be when our babies move out. (We have.)
For us with 4, announcing we were going to do foster care and adopt brought on some crazy responses. We heard “You can’t be serious”, “you have enough kids”, “I would understand it if you got pregnant but really? On purpose? “(That one was my dad). The kicker was our family doctor, after 1 adoption and I told him we were on the last for another adoptive placement. He looked me in the eye and said, “don’t you think you have too many already? ” That was the last time any one in our family saw that doctor. People REALLY don’t get it when you go out of your way to add children to your family. I was shocked at how many seemed offended that we would dare do that. Thankfully my dad’s remark was his only one and he loves his youngest grandsons very much! His was the only one that bothered me, so the rest didn’t matter.
We began adopting when we had three biological children; definitely feel your pain there. 🙁
After having curse words thrown at my husband of 16 years because we re-married in the Church this past summer in order to have a sacramental wedding for our family, I have no doubt that our recent news of baby #5, another girl, will be met with zero enthusiasm. They know nothing of the many many lost babies along the way to this one, which is truly a blessing to us. If they said we were “crazy” and “nuts” for holding a simple ceremony, I can’t imagine their response when these 2 mid-40ers announce yet another baby on the way. We have decided, half-jokingly, to not reveal her to those who are so suspicious of our choices until her 24th birthday.
Ouch! It really is hardest when it’s the people who truly should be the most encouraging and supportive, isn’t it?
Blessings on your newest addition!
Thank you! Yes it is — my Mother In Law… the sterotypical “dreaded” has been anything but. She was the sole member of our 2 families to attend the ceremony, flying clear across the country for 15 minutes. My new friends, who I’ve known less than 2 years, have been the most supportive. More blessings!
I am the oldest of 6. When I was pg with #4 I was accused of trying to steal the limelight from my younger sister who had already announced two months prior that she was expecting her first baby. With #6 my mother just turned her back and walked away in disgust. With #7 a woman that was like a second mother to me told me she thought I was overtaxing myself with so many children. With #8 a number of refugees I was help would constantly say, “Why? You’re white.” And my oldest son had a struggle dealing with his mother & wife pg at the same time. I had him at 18 & he made me a grandma at 38. With #9 my father said just don’t have 12 or try be like the Duggars. #9 has been a handful, but that has been a good thing to make me slow down and enjoy life more.
We have a list of doozies, too. My favorite is when someone at work asked my husband if he knew “what causes that” with number 6. She had no idea that we hadn’t given birth to that particular little one. My husband’s answer? “Yes. Adoption.”
Oh I forgot someone told me I needed a tv in my room when I was pg#7. LOL
Thank you for this article. It has taught me what my attitude should be. I never had the privilege of giving birth, but we have two adopted and yes, most people my age are grandmothers.
Congrats on your blessings!!!!
I have four. After the first two, because they were a girl and then a boy, everyone assumed we’d be done. After all, why would we want all these excess kids?! People looked at me like I was crazy when I had a 2 and 4 year old and was pregnant again. And I really got rude comments when I was pregnant with the fourth because she’s only 15 months behind her sister, so half the time I was pregnant, I was carrying around another baby.
My standard answer became- Yes, we’re pregnant again. Yes, they’re all “mine.” We have lots of fun around our house. 🙂
We had the same configuration– one of each– when we were pg with our third. People were surprised, for sure!
When we announced our third, my father-in-law said, “Was that an accident?” He was honestly never very good with any of the grandchildren, so we didn’t even get the satisfaction of seeing him enjoy the baby. (My husband’s great-aunt, on the other hand, who lived with us from when our oldest was five months old, was very upset when we told her we were expecting our second child, but from the very moment of his birth–okay, 5 hours later, when she met him–she was in love and never said another word against him.)
My own parents were okay with the second…and the third…and the fourth. They got a bit quieter at the fifth. At the sixth, it was very obvious to me that, although my mother didn’t say anything outright negative, she didn’t congratulate us, either. (My dad did.) And when our baby was six months old, and she and I were in an argument, I even mentioned it, and she didn’t deny it: she said, “No, I didn’t congratulate you, because I thought it was already too much for you.” Thanks, Mom.
Then when my sister was expecting her first baby, my mother said to my dad, “Are you ready for ten grandchildren?” (We had 6, my brother 2, and my other brother 1) My dad apparently answered, “Oh, no, not Sheila AGAIN?!?” Why my sister really needed to tell me about that conversation, I don’t know.
And this is why my parents never heard about our last pregnancy, nor that we lost the baby. (We’d had three previous miscarriages as well, two of which they knew about, and compassion and sympathy were…lacking.) There are advantages to having an ocean between us. Sad, but easier for me when I accept it.
((hugs)) That’s hurtful.
I enjoyed reading all the comments here. Having 4 within 6 years it was rather amusing to see peoples reactions to me being pregnant each time. The best was the church members reaction when it was announced pregnancy 4 – there was literal silence for about 30 secs!! My mother in law clearly told me that 4 was enough and I wasn’t to have any more. She was very upset when I lost number 5 and now she is the one constantly telling me to have another one. My mothers reaction to number 5 was stunned silence – she couldn’t speak about it for about 30 minutes. Personally I found it rather funny as it was the first time i got to tell her face to face i was expecting.
With our first…
My mom: “Don’t you think you should have waited a little while?” (We had been together 4.5 years and married 2 months.)
In laws: Smile. That’s nice. Congrats. No real enthusiasm.
2nd
My mom: “Don’t you think you should have waited longer? Why are you having another so soon?” (They are 21 months apart.)
Inlaws: slightly happier and more excited than number 1.
#3
My mom: What are you thinking? Why do you need another one? You already have a boy and a girl.
Inlaws: That’s nice. Not excited, and seem to think we are a little crazy.
Rest of family: You had a million dollar family, why did you need another? Don’t you know what causes that? Better you than me.
#4
My mom: What?!? You can barely take care of the three you have now?!? Why do you need another?!? (In front of people I don’t know and she sees us about twice a year, and rarely talks to me, so I don’t know what her basis for “barely being able to care for them” was, but I assure, we were fine.)
In-laws: Oh wow! Four is a slot, but you can do it…we did. You are done now though, right?
#5
Didn’t tell my mom until I was 8 months pregnant…she couldn’t understand why.
Inlaws: wow!
Family: you are crazy, you need to be done now.
I would really have loved just once to have one of the beautiful, ready eyed excited reactions that other parents get.
I am so, so sorry! I am more than happy to rejoice with you in the blessings you’ve been given!
At the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, my mom stood up and loudly prayed that my womb would stay closed for at least two years. (That upset me quite a bit.) John was born two days after our first anniversary.
Shortly after I told my mil that I was pg with number three, she told me that my sil had decided to get off the pill (because she saw all the beautiful babies I was having). A different relative said, “Now that C is getting off birth control, are you getting on it?” (I just laughed.)
I won’t bore you with the other comments. Since you know a little of my story, I just thought I would share those two.