Perfectly imperfect

Dear lady standing next to me at the public bathroom sink,

Yes, I have an issue, and it’s called OCD. The chemical misfires in my brain tell me that if I don’t wash my hands exactly as prescribed by professionals, my hands will be contaminated with all sorts of nastiness from touching the stall room doors– to the detriment and deterioration of my personal health.

Of course, you realize this too, that’s why you’re washing your hands. But you don’t do it with the same urgency, the same conviction, the same desperate scrubbing motions and the “Oh man, I lost count there, am I at two minutes or only one and half?”

I tell everyone who has ever noticed the way I have to create a physical barrier between myself and all potential germy objects that while I’ve never actually been diagnosed by an expert, money spent on an evaluation would be a wasted investment. I have all the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and more. I live in mortal dread of catching a cold, so much so that I can be seen to apply OnGuard every morning when sickness is in the air. I can’t be finished with a dish until every last speck of food is washed away from it, and if I’m not 100% positive, it couldn’t hurt to give the whole thing another wash, could it? My bed is wrinkle free when made, and I throw a mini-hissy fit every time someone sits on it right after making it.

This disorder has caused me many speed bumps in my life. It has made me late to events, brought on fits of depression and anxiety, and has led me to believe that there must be something acutely wrong with me. I am on medication for anxiety issues. I get anosy when surrendering control (“What if they didn’t do it right?”). It’s been a spiritual battle as well. OCD can truly sabotage your relationship with God, as it can lock you into “musts” and make you forget all about grace and the freedom you have in Christ.

It has been a long, hard road to reach the point I am at right now. Right now, thanks to many dear friends and family members’ time, sweat and prayers, and my own deepening relationship with God, I have learned to let it go. I can often tell myself to take a step back when I am about to scrub the daylights out of my hands after merely grazing a dirty napkin. Instead of feeling bound into “having” to do Bible study every night for exactly 30 minutes, I can say, “Yeah, tonight, I have already read the passage, and talked to God about it and feel content. It’s only been 25 minutes, but I’m okay.” Anyone who has known me long can tell you that this is truly a victory. Of course, there is still more work to be done. I could alway loosen up even more, but I like to call myself a work in progress, and it has to come with a lot of laughs as I still fail… often.

But, while a disorder like this can be seen as debilitating, it wasn’t until recently that I realized what a gift my OCD is to me.

See, I’m a student midwife. One of the first principles I learned was clean and sterile technique. In clean technique, a midwife must wash her hands properly, glove up, and maintain good health practices. In sterile technique, the midwife must use a medical-type scrub to clean her hands, and she may never touch the same item twice. It is considered contaminated after the first contact, and she must not allow germs to reach her client. She must glove up without touching the outside of the gloves, and once they are on, she must be very conscious of where she puts her hands. Everything has a proper way to be grasped without causing the spread of germs. Even brushing up against certain items means the process must be done again. Obviously, therefore, these techniques must be done with extreme care to detail. This, in the end, helps the midwife to minimize the amount of exposure the woman or baby has to any potentially harmful organisms.

These techniques are high priority in any birth, but I feel called to ministry in Nepal, and in a developing nation where hygiene is poor and living conditions can be quite bad, these principles are vital. When you arrive to find a woman is giving birth in a primitive stable, with animals grazing around her, aseptic (sterile) technique is mandatory to give that mother and baby the best chance at survival. Your care given to keeping your hands and tools clean at all costs can help reduce maternal and neonatal infection, and the potential harm and death done.

I never have stopped hearing the phrase “look for the purpose in everything.” Well,  suddenly … I see some purpose in my obsessive attention to hygiene.  Yes, do I have issues with detergent hands from time to time, and, yes, I have to have someone tell me to stop being obsessive about vacuuming lines into the carpet. But much rather I have this thorn in my side for God’s glory in order to save lives, than not!
Already, I have noticed that my OCD makes me an extremely neat and tidy midwife student. You will never see me just shrugging over a maybe, could be, I don’t know but I think it’s fine hemostat. I will always get a new one, just in case. My hands are very clean before I hold any baby, and sterile gloving is a breeze. While everyone else was learning contortions to break their life-long “anything goes” habits, I was like a fish in water. No challenge at all!

Like the apostle Paul, I am choosing to rejoice in my thorn, and allow God’s perfection to be made clear in my own inadequacy, seeing its uses in God’s call in my life.

Maybe it’s the same for you. Maybe you’ve never been diagnosed with ADHD, but you’re dead positive you are somewhere in the spectrum. Maybe you have been diagnosed with autism, and struggle to see what God could possibly do with this. From one imperfect, broken sister to her fellow broken brothers and sisters, I want you to believe that what the world would call “your abnormality” is in fact, part of God’s ultimate plan for your life.  He had your purpose laid before you were ever conceived, and this was part of it. He does not do things in accident, nor let accidents just happen either. He will use even what you view as a weakness for His greater glory.

It may not be the way you would have imagined, you may still wish you didn’t have that thorn in your side, but you would not be the amazing you you are without it, and God cherishes you all the same. He will see you through all the trials, and in the end, the plans will be to prosper His Kingdom, not to harm you.

So, lady at the sink… watch on. Here I am, an imperfect, yet perfectly created child of God, learning to be used. Now, if you don’t mind holding the door open for me so I don’t have to touch the handle? Yeah, that would be awesome.

In Christ,

Mary Hannah