Operation: Family Photo

We have never had a professional photo taken of our entire family.

It’s a sore subject here, actually. See—because our entire family cannot actually be in the same country, every photo I have represents only a segment of the whole. It’s always there, that reminder of the missing piece. I don’t need a photo on my wall to remind me that I can’t be with my daughter.

When we were in Nepal, we posed for two shots of our family as it was: one near a brick wall at our church, and the other near the front of our house as our belongings were loaded into a truck for an abrupt return stateside. They weren’t captured by professionals, but by friends on hand in the moment. I have a love/hate relationship with those images, primarily because looking at them takes me back to places that hurt. But then again, Babita is there. And Jude is, too, in a way. Though we didn’t know it, I was 19 weeks pregnant as we said our goodbyes in Nepal.

So family photos are a delicate thing here. Every Christmas, I trip around the card offerings, wishing I could have a single image of all my favorite people dropped into one festive slot. Instead, I try to creatively balance individual shots, or groups, accounting for everyone as if we all lived at the same address. And then I move on, setting aside the desire for a group shot for a year.

This year, the itch didn’t leave after the cards were ordered. The weight of 2018’s transitions seemed heavier than those of the past, and it hit me— I want to remember this. What we have here, under this roof, today. Yes, I long to have a complete family photo. But I can’t… and I so desperately want to preserve this moment in time, before graduations and weddings and careers and grandchildren and cross-country moves.

I was nervous to bring my desire to Christopher, because frankly, no one wants to approach their beloved spouse and pour salt in a known wound. He was gracious, saying, “Just tell me where to be and what to wear.” A few weeks later, a new friend’s brother relocated to our area and began looking for clients in an effort to build his business. His rates were shockingly discounted. I was able to book a session, and we were set.

Last Friday evening, we traveled to a local park en masse in various shades of blue, white, grey and black. We had been hoping to shoot here at the farm, but since the side field is still muddy from septic line installation and the back field’s tree line is still bare, we opted for another location. At first, I was slightly disappointed, but honestly, I’m more interested in the people featured than the place. We also chose to bring along a framed photo of Babita for a few shots. Neither Christopher nor I is sold on the idea, but it was a small way of acknowledging her absence.

I can’t wait to see the final product. Will I use it for this year’s Christmas card? Probably not. Will I pull down the shot of our family circa 2014? No. But this version will hang alongside it, showing the bigger picture of who we are. And that’s something I am very excited about indeed.