On True Friendship

Because I’ve moved so much in my adult life, I’ve had a lot of cause to ponder friendship. See, friendship is actually a more complicated thing than most folks think it is. You can miss it when you stay rooted in one spot for a lifetime, I think. I’ve decided that this is because proximity is often mistaken for friendship. Having a conveniently close geographical location, or having multiple points where your lives intersect (church, dance lessons, and small group— three built-in “see you there’s” every week!) gives you familiarity… but it doesn’t necessarily make you friends by the deepest standards.

And here’s the thing: friendship— true friendship— is deep.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. -Proverbs 17:17

Two are better than one,
because they have a good reward for their toil.
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. -Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine. -Romans 1:11-12

Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
 and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. -Proverbs 27:9

There is no room for a casual, “well, our kids are the same ages and genders so I guess we should hang out,” in a deep friendship. Sure, maybe it starts that way. But 1 Samuel 18 describes David and Jonathan as having their souls “knit together.” You don’t intertwine spirits with someone based on shallow things. Not when you need that person to:

• Love you through the hard spots
• Pick you up if you fall down
• Encourage you when you fear you’ll stumble
• Stand beside you in defense
• Share your faith walk
• Speak truth into your life

That’s not something that comes from being on a committee together. That’s something that comes from being vulnerable, and connecting with that person through prayer.

Because guys, if you don’t have a friend who prays for you, you don’t really have a friend. And if you’ve never actually hit your knees on behalf of someone you claim to love… you’re not really their friend, either.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? God uses friendship not to leave us where we are spiritually, but to grow us, to spur us on onward, to give us someone to rub against and come out refined, better, and more sanctified. That doesn’t happen standing on the sidelines and cheering for your kids as they kick a soccer ball up and down the field. Oh, it can start there. But eventually, when it’s a real friendship, you find yourself texting one night not about who is bringing the orange slices to practice tomorrow, but about the anger you’ve realized you’re harboring, and how you desperately need God’s strength to ask forgiveness and deal with a situation so that you can let it go. And you know, in the second you hit send, that the person on the other end is there with you. She is praying.

That is friendship.

That is love.

I won’t say I’ve stopped looking for friends who are like me. A full 99% of those I encircle myself with homeschool at least one of their children, or did before they scooted off into college and marriage and beyond. Most of my friends love to read. A good number of them are crunchy granola types. Adoption or foster care is a common thread, as is, oddly enough, dog ownership. (Go figure on that one.)

But amongst my closest friends, you might be surprised. Those things that the human eye values… they’re not my top priority. I really don’t care if our politics are carbon copies, or that we’re in the exact same season of life. I’m not concerned with your background or your favorite hobby. What I want to know is that you are a woman of prayer, someone who understands that to live in tandem with other believers, you must care for them spiritually. I’ve been blessed to find a handful of these precious women, and I can tell you… they are worth their weight in gold.

If you’re in a season of feeling that you’re walking alone, I encourage you to look beyond the obvious candidates for closeness in your circles. Yes, finding people with whom you share goals and experiences is lovely. But if you’re looking for something deeper, something more, to fill your bucket and keep encouraging you to climb the mountains God sets before you, find a woman of prayer. Find someone who understands true, Biblical friendship. Find someone to whom you can be knit. Distance won’t matter. Age won’t matter. Because when you’ve found the friend closer than a brother, you stand together for a lifetime.